Friday, September 2, 2016

The roller coaster ride which led me to my crush.

They say that we would have to live our life in moderation, to maintain the balance of life or else too much of a good thing may lead to bad thing or too much happiness now would mean that we are to expect a wave of sadness coming soon. Which is probably why the past few weeks have been such a roller coaster of events for me.  

One of the significant upside of my so called roller coaster was that, I have recently passed my board examinations (Almost made it in the top 10 too!). So now that I am a registered health care practitioner here in the Philippines, it is time to pay back my success by giving only quality health care service to my future patients. I did promise myself and the lord that once I pass the boards, I would be ready to serve those patients in need of my care and expertise in rehabilitative care. Despite the poor working conditions (both physically and monetarily) of a health care practitioner here in the Philippines I would really have to fulfill my promise while I am still here on this land that I call home. This is probably a way to fulfill my calling to give service to the people by adding life to the years that doctors have added to my future patients. I cannot wait to see the countless little victories that will be achieved by my future patients who would be able to walk again or even be able to function like a normal person again with my help as a health care professional. Since my friend reminded me that the true essence in working the medical field is truly not about the money or the sense of grandeur but to answer the calling of giving service to those in need of our help. 

One of the downsides in my so called roller coaster ride was that, I missed the opportunity to undergo a six week long training program at two of most challenging medical facilities here in the Philippines (besides PGH ofcourse) which I was looking forward to since my review days due to my mother who had a "mini stroke" and that it would really make feel bothered to be so far away from her (Yes I am a proud Mama's boy) since lately she has been clearly feeling unwell the past few days despite her efforts in trying to hide it from me to not make me worry much about her. To somehow compensate for the training program that I missed, I decided to just continue with the volunteer/training program at a hospital near my area.

So far I am enjoying my time here in the facility giving "voluntary service" to indigent patients in need of our care. I still don't understand that despite being a public hospital why is that there is no budget to actually hire more paid staff members instead of exploiting the use of volunteers to save on expenses. We are human beings too. We need money to buy food to eat and to support our needs.

On the bright side our rehabilitation facility usually gets free meals from the med reps that visit our department almost everyday and that I have a really huge crush on our resident doctor that usually gets cranky in a cute way on the day after his assigned rest day since he goes on a 24-hour duty during his rest day to earn some extra money for a vacation he is saving up for his mother. When I first saw him my gayday immediately dings and senses that he is like me.. A closet queen... Not to judge him or anything but I just feel it in my bones. He never had a girlfriend, majority of his friends are all girls, and I see him check out a lot of guys in our department. One thing that has confirmed my suspicion is how I was able to find him on tinder (which I swiped right since he is my crush naman).  He is probably in denial that he likes guys or must have not known that his profile was set to be seen by both guys and girls. 

Ugh! My crush on this resident who is eight years older than me is driving me nuts! I have only been in this department for about three weeks but damn! Me wanting to see his everyday is my motivation to not be late for "work" just so that I can go with him make rounds with our patients. Stalking him on facebook makes me want to join the bandwagon and make an account on that overused social media website. (Yes I am one of the few who does not have facebook.)


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Thank you all for the sweet emails you guys have left me :) You guys sort of motivate me to keep on blogging and thank you so much as well for helping me move on from my past. :) Hoping to read more from your blogs as well too!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Pathetic.

There is one word that best describes how I feel right now. The feeling of inadequacy and inferiority. I feel pathetic...

So today I decided to study out in this somewhat overrated coffee shop in the IT Hub of our "booming city". I ordered a choco java chip frap and told the barista my name. As I was trying to find the perfect table to overstay and study. Boom! I tried to act as "normal" as I could. I saw them... I saw him... Him studying with his new guy. The law student. 

I pretended not to see him and sat on the opposite side of the cafe. I was already getting settled and fuck! The barista called out my name! So the walk of shame to get my drink begins. I got my drink and as much as I tried to not look his way. I did.. Our eyes met.. Mine and Cheng's.. I felt the familiar "zing" that sent an electric feel up my spine. I pretended to not know him and he did the same. 

"Of all the places! Why here! Why now?" I said to myself. 

There they are... In my eyes they look like a perfect couple... Both on the same career field, both of the same heritage, and both birds of the same feather.

Now I wonder if he loves him, like how he used to loved me? Does he make you want to check your phone to read sweet nothings? 

Maybe your last words saying "If that is what makes you happy then leave me". Was actually meant for yourself.  

I know right now you probably feel really gwapo for making me write this blog but fuck you for making me love you. I fell for you so hard even before I realized I did. I hope he loves you better than I did. 


Monday, July 18, 2016

After a break up.

Simala Parish Church in Sibonga, Cebu
So today marks the 30th day after I broke up with him. To celebrate I have decided to revamp the layout of my blog (haha! layout lang pala). 

In all seriousness though, after letting him go I sort of feel so much more free! Happy to have time for myself to just relax and focus on my studies. Even if there is this small part of me that feels missing, I guess this is how the process of moving on works. :) 

Your last words were "If that is what makes you happy then leave me" and so I did... I left the coffee shop and as soon as I got home, I started packing his things in my room and car and dropped it off in the guardhouse of his subdivision. You left scars in my heart which anatomically will not heal in six weeks and I hope your cock gets infected knowing that you frequently tear your foreskin when you fuck around with other guys.

Why do I even have to stay with a guy who keeps cheating on me with someone else. I know that your love for me was real and it is probably my fault for not being sexually there for you all the time; which led you to find other guys to satisfy your needs but once again I am not a sex toy so you can go and fuck yourself. 

Now you casually just texted me "Pwede makuha ang akong NSO and TOR sa cabinet nimo?" (Can I get my birth cert and transcript of records in your cabinet?)  as if nothing happened. Go process for a new NSO and TOR! In the first place why did you even have to leave your personal documents here..

So maybe he is happier with his new guy and I am probably just gonna be another bitter ex. Don't worry your secrets are safe with me. Cheng, I used to love you a lot but now I just hate you.

On the bright side I can be just like you! I get to hook up with whomever I want again and not have to worry about upsetting anyone. 

Taken at "The Porch by Casa Verde" somewhere in Anonas back when we were happier.
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18 more days till the boards.. I can do this :) Hoping for only the best :) Thank you for all the random emails you guys have sent me :) It def brightens my day to randomly have conversations with you guys.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Acceptance.

After spending one of my many study breaks on Youtube. I was able to come across this video advertisement/commercial(Ugh! Whatever you call this vid) from Smart Communications that left me in awh.

This is probably one of the first local video ad from a big local company that actually made me feel something. I really liked how this video showed support for the LGBT community and how it is somehow conveying to us a message that we(Those who are still in the closet to some people) do not have to keep hiding since there are people that love us, who will accept us for who we are.
(BTW I am in no way affiliated with Smart Comm. nor was I paid to make this)





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29 more days till the boards. Pray for my success guys and my email is always open if you guys need anyone to talk to ;)

Thursday, June 23, 2016

For the better.

So we officially ended everything a few days ago. I just hope that this major life changing event would be for the better. For me to focus on the last few weeks of my upcoming board exams and to actually have a start of my first "real" job.

Monday, May 30, 2016

How to break up?

We have been fighting a lot for the past few months...

I don't even know if I still love him or I am just in love at the fact that I have a partner.  I just don't feel the love anymore. I feel like a hole for him to fuck. Heck he even hides me from certain people. I feel like a sex toy! Long gone are the days where we used to have long late night conversations about our future plans till we fall asleep or the days where we were simply happy together. 

A friend once told me that we cheat to find things that our partner cannot provide. Just recently I found out after going through Cheng's iPhone (which I have proudly cracked) that he has been fucking around with a law student whom he met on Tinder.  Cheng may be way more well-off than I am but that doesn't matter because money cannot buy true friends. What do I lack for him to go snooping around for other guys? 

Yes. I was also wrong for snooping around his phone.. But I was already having doubts when he was acting a bit strange at times. Like when I found law books on the backseat of his car, when smelled differently (Not the usual Bvlgari or Burberry Weekend he usually has on) when we comes to pick me up at my house, or when I found abrasions on his foreskin (Which led me to think that someone other than me has been playing with his manong). I don't think I deserve this..

This did not only happen once in our whole relationship. It is just too bad that my insurance does not have coverage for a metaphorically broken heart. I don't even know how to break up with him. It is hard for to actually for me to be OK with him. He has broken my trust several times and builds it up again only to later on break it. Probably the only reason why I find it so hard to let go of him is because I don't think I will ever find someone else who loves me like he does. 

Maybe it is best for me to move to another province that way I can completely avoid him. 

Monday, March 21, 2016

Rebellion.

After our trip out of the country last December, my have parents decided to really move out of the country and go back to live in my dad's country of origin for good (yes.. forever..). My dad being the most impulsive guy I know had sold everything that he had left here except for the properties that was under my name or my mother. Thinking that he was not serious about actually leaving the country, I simply ignored it but realized that this was really happening when I found out from my cousin that my father has bought back our house in the land of the rising sun from my aunt.

I was angry, confused, and torn. I did not know what to say to my parents when my father told me to just not take my board exams and start a new life in the foreign land. Since he said we would go no where if we stay in this country filled with greed. He kept saying that "If you work here, you will simply work for the rest of your life to only earn enough to keep you alive and not earn to have a better life" and said that "business here involves a lot of red tape". I got his point but still I grew up here and I find it so hard to let go of a place that has been deeply engraved my heart.. I actually love the life of hardship and drama here in the Philippines.



Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Fast track



I seem to be doing well in my nesting stage at my new "temporary" life as a call center agent. The first week of nesting was a bit nerve-racking because we get to handle real customers to address their problems and concerns regarding the telecomm service they current are in. During the second week of nesting, things got better.. Since my call handling got better and that I was more comfortable with using my tools. Hopefully I will survive my final week of nesting before becoming a full pledged member of the operations team. For the past few days I sort of feel bad for letting Cheng send and pick me up from work (I just do not understand how he still has energy to do this when I feel so drained after my shift ends..) and I also feel even more bad for starting to have mini crushes on my other workmates there are so many cuties here.. Ugh! He probably has crushes on his workmates too so I think it is pretty safe to say that were even haha. I am gonna have a major life change though soon.. I was already expecting this since before but I have never really noticed how time has flew by so fast that the major "life changing" event is already right around the corner.. I will get through this though.

Short post for now.. I have nothing much to share for now :)

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Globe has finally let me pre-order my Samsung Galaxy S7! (This post is not sponsored in any way. I just wanted to share this) I am so happy since I really needed to upgrade my phone since I sort of got tired with my Acer Z630 which has been with me for about two months but it was about time I get a "high-end" phone.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Growing up comfortable

(Disclaimer: Ugh! Sorry if this post would offend some of you..)

After hearing the different stories of my workmates on why they chose to work in a call center. This all started after our first week of nesting, we went out drinking and started a long and deep conversation.  I really cannot help but feel so ashamed of myself for being so ungrateful of my life. There are probably a lot more people more deserving of my comfortable lifestyle (Note gods please don't give me a major lifestyle change..).. 

I have workmates who were forced to work in a call center at a young age of 18 because their parents can no longer afford to send them to school. Yet here I am who spent almost a decade to get a diploma. One of the reasons is because I kept course hopping and lived the life of a reckless teenager. Not thinking about the effort my parents have made just to give me a good education.

I also have workmates who were forced to work to become the breadwinner of the family.. Yet here I am just working to remain productive. While they are working to have a roof over their heads and food on the table for their sibling and parents. It is really sad to know at a young age of 20 they are forced to be the breadwinners with a monthly salary of 17k (Minus taxes and other government mandated fees) to a family of 5-8 . If only the income tax would be lowered though.. I have come to understood why people would always complain about how the government uses our taxes when I started working. It is not easy to get a big chunk of your salary deducted due to "income tax" and that we do not see it put to good use.

So far I have learned to be grateful for the things I am blessed with. I have a good family, great friends, and a loving boyfriend. It made me appreciate the value of money even more. Now I really understand when they say "earning money is not easy".. I have learned to appreciate my parents even more for working very hard to make me have a good life. 

I have also learned to respect the call center agents even more because their life is not very easy.. They have about three weeks to learn about the product and service and have to handle calls every single day with irrate customers.. It was my first time to be cussed at by angry customers over the phone but hopefully I can survive this before I resign to get back to reviewing for the upcoming board exams. 

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

my valentine.


So after weeks of rekindling the love that was once lost. The love we feel for each other is now mutual. He took me out for brunch at the place where we used to frequent during our early college years and everything made me feel old. The kids that used to beg for money in the area are now selling softdrinks and the stray puppies that once roamed around are now old and fat dogs. Time flies by so fast.. I have not realized that it has been almost three years since I have last visited the place.. The food feels different but the mimosa that we once enjoyed still taste the same. 

"Why did you want to eat here? The trouble of going through traffic is such a headache" I asked.
He quickly replied "Wala lang, I just miss coming here. Back then I would always ride a jeep to your school and wait for you to get out so that you can drive us here to eat"

Back then we were just young lovers being so carefree about the world. Not having to think about our problems in the future like how the fck can we start supporting ourselves to live independent lives or how we should start paying the bills (For my case phone bills). All we really cared about before was to get our diploma.. Nobody really told us that life after college is one hectic jungle.

After brunch, we were just sitting in his car and he told me to rest my hand on his lap and to close my eyes. Thinking this would be something naughty again. I started grinning and anticipating on what he would do this time. I felt like he was trying to tie my hands to something but when I opened my eyes. He put on me a gold link bracelet with our names and anniversary engraved into the back of the plate. (He knows that I am bad with memorizing dates..) I was teary since I didn't get anything for him on valentines. Since I got out of school I have been relying on my reduced weekly allowance and ample salary I get from my job. (How embarrassing..) Someday I will reciprocate his gift though. I will save up for something good or maybe look for something of quality and of use at Lazada soon for him (Cheng if your reading this. Your hints needed). We went to church to give our prayers and light candles to be thankful for all the blessings we have so far in 2016.

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Anyways I just wanted to vent this out.. My current phone service provider Sun has been such a hassle to me lately.. I am having a hard time sending and receiving texts and my calls keep dropping.. I am getting so frustrated with the service lately that I have decided to make the switch back to Globe.. I don't get why I have so much unusual charges on my bills and the customer service rep cant even answer my questions.. So because of all the hassle I have gone through with Sun I have finally decided to switch back to Globe though I really want to wait for the iPhone 7 plan but buhhh I guess a 6s would be ok..

Friday, February 12, 2016

To new beginnings.




In a few months I would be living with Cheng again at his condo. He and I are inseparable. He has been my personal sundo to and from work for the past few weeks. Despite him having to be at work from 8:30am till 6pm-ish he makes sure that I get to work by 10pm and he picks me up at work to send me home at 7am. He has put so much effort into taking care of me and that I will make sure he and his "manong" will be very pleased once I move back with him :)

On the way to work, I asked Cheng why he was sending me to work an hour early and he started giving me "the look" and he parked his car in the sidewalk near the building where I worked in and said "I need a massage, I feel a bit tense" as he led my hand into his manong..

Since I was too early to clock-in for work and that I had nothing else better to do.. I decided to just wank him at first and he started saying he felt dry and that the friction was hurting him (Wow! how can the friction hurt him when he isn't even cut) so I moved on to blowing him and made sure that he doesn't play with my hair so I don't get sex hair from all this. So after a few minutes of playing around he started to cum and I swallowed every drop of it but then boom a string of cum landed on my collar and my sleeve..

"Fuck! What do I do? This is worst than walking around with a hickey! I don't wanna walk around the office with cum stains on my shirt.. People might think I'm a "manyak" (pervert) or I made chupa with some security guard or something."

He took off his shirt and said "Just wear mines nalang for today and spray yourself with some of my cologne"

So there I was.. I felt dirty going to work.. I felt like a rape victim and all eyes are on me.. Thinking that the trace of cum is still on me and they can smell it when they are in close proximity to me. I am still thinking if I should be open about my sexual orientation to everyone in the workplace and reveal that I have a boyfriend or keep my sexual orientation closed so I don't get discriminated in the work place (if that happens.. HR did say that everyone is very LGBT friendly)

Overall the past few days have been going well for me. I have learned so much about the line of business that we would be handling and that I sort still have to adjust to my workmates whom most of them made me realize that I should be thankful that I have finished my studies and that I was blessed to have a good life. I did have many adjustments in the call center life which is getting used to always eating fast food if the pantry food isn't very appealing or drowning myself in coffee just to stay awake. My experienced workmates did say that I have to enjoy training while I still can because once on the floor your gonna hate your job and that pressing the "ready" button on the avaya would meaning listening to frustrated customers for the next 6-7 hours.


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The board results recently just came out and I am very happy to know that majority of my friends have passed and a bunch of them have made it inside the top 10! Hopefully my turn to shine will come this August.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Hodgepodge.

So I finally have a new job and should I say it was pretty quick. After leaving my job a few days back I decided to walk-in for an interview and after a gruelling eight hours of exams and interviews I made it! We had the contract signing right away and wow the benefits were great! Sadly there is a four month training bond but it would be just on time for me to resign and start reviewing for my board exams again.  I am now a call boy :) who will undergo training for a telecommunications provider.


Cheng is still mad at me though for wasting my money to buy myself out of the contract and resign from my boring job. So are my parents.. I don't know why everyone is mad at me for leaving my old job after about almost 2 weeks in duty.. Do they not care for my happiness?

I sort of now know where my future is going to.. After the board exams and ending my 4 month call center job I hope to finally focus on processing my papers to go abroad.. New country and different things to taste and try. ;) ;)
"What are you doing with your life?!" He said angrily..
I just sat in silence pretending not to hear him properly while I enjoy the view in the passenger seat window. 
"You have been in college for almost a decade because you keep shifting and now you job hopping. What do you really want to do with your life?" 
Feeling a bit irritated I said "Why do you have to care so much? Its not like your still my boyfriend.. One of the reasons why I decided to end everything was because your such a control freak and yet now that we are not together you still keep trying to control me." 

At that moment I was a bit scared if he would let me get out of his car and we were downtown where are the scary people were.. I didn't want to wander around downtown at like 2am..  I mean I have health insurance and all but still I don't wanna get raped or be ass fucked by an "adik" that roams the streets of downtown.. (I know maybe I was overthinking/overacting)

he started to get teary and stopped his car.. "Even when I was with her.. I don't know. There is just a part of me that still yearns for you. I still love you which is partly why I did not go far with her."

So from there I have realized that maybe Cheng and I are really meant for each other..  Maybe there is a reason why I find it so hard to get over him.. Maybe in a few weeks we would be together again bu buh.. I don't know. He has already established himself as compared to me..  I am still "young at heart" and reckless. 

I find it so hard to sleep when hodgepodge of thoughts have started to get through my head like why we should take classes to get degree, go to rehab for a fast recovery, or why trade off your own happiness to marry a rich lawyer(Why a lawyer though? Fact: It is a misconception to say how all lawyers are filthy rich, just like how they say medical doctors are rich.. When it fact most of them are already well-off or just have enough to get by.) and live a comfortable life? 

Monday, February 1, 2016

Resigning from my job.


I seriously don't know what to do with my life anymore. Maybe my mom was right and that I should just play safe and help out in the family business. During my late teens I had so much dreams of becoming and doing many things like aiming to become a future doctor and travelling many places around the world. Fast forward to now that I am nearing my mid-twenties I realized that most of my dreams have either been shattered or made. Maybe my batchmates were right.. The first few months after graduation is the period where we would feel lost with our lives having no where to go but reviewing for the board exams..

Ugh! I never really expected to have landed into this monotonous banking job.. It has been 8 days since I got hired and I already feel bored with this job.. It is basically preparing for opening at around 8:30am then waiting for people to come in to handle their transactions and by 3:30 or 4pm that is when I start noting everything and finishing up everything before the shift ends.  During my rest day, I decided to visit one of the few temples in my area to ask for a sign.. Sadly I did not get an answer but maybe the sign is yet to come.. I wanted to become a doctor but then I realized that all the time and effort is just not worth it in the end.. Doctors here are abused.. Think of low pay jobs and even abusive working conditions.. Sometimes the patients are not even worth helping..

An excerpt from a chat I had with an officemate one afternoon
Me : I don't know if this is too personal to ask but despite the low pay what made you decide to stay in this company for more than 2 years?
Officemate: It's the people I work with that made me stay.. Despite the low pay atleast I am happy doing my job and that the people I work with keep me happy as well..

Buhhh... I just cannot handle this monotonous job.. I am simply not happy... So I know this sort of sounds selfish and insensitive but buuuh I am gonna resign after my first pay and pay the cash bond to buy-out my 3 month probationary contract.. Maybe working in a call center would be better to atleast have a taste of what it feels like to work in a call center..

I know I am not making any sense to any of you right now but buhhhhh I just wanted to blurt this all out..

Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Rat Race.

So just this month after not being allowed to take the upcoming board exams. I decided to get a job to keep myself busy and remain productive. Boy oh boy! After getting the job! I have realized so much things!

Here are a few things that I realized when getting a job

  • Lining up at government offices can be such a hassle since I would have to wake up really early in the morning just to get a service number at NBI, SSS, and even for the medical check up..
  • The pay for entry level jobs is not really enough to have a decent lifestyle.. I mean how the eff can I buy a house or even support my needs when I only get a basic pay of around 9k a month plus taxable benefits of 3k? (Not to sound ungrateful or anything)
  • I have learned to respect the people who work in offices more.. Their job is not easy and yet they are not really compensated well.

Things are going great for me so far :) After applying for the job at an online job portal, I got a call like a few hours after to wear "Business casual attire" (WTF is Business casual attire haha.. I had to google for it but I still didnt understand so I wore long sleeves and slacks.) and see them for my long waves of interviews.. After being one of the few applicants out of 20++ applicants to have had made the final that day.. It has made me conclude that applying for a job is such a struggle haha. 

But anyways I now work in a bank since I didn't want to work in a call center and I can't work anything medical related without my license. Funny thing is it's a bank close to where Cheng is working at :) It is sort of awkward being one of the few male bank tellers.. They said I can become a "Roving Teller" once I finish "training". So far nobody has asked about my sexual orientation but I have this huge crush on this guy who handles the loans.. I need to catch a sneak peak of what he has to offer when he pees on the urinal next time. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Jinxed

Sadly... I have decided to give up trying and not take the boards since I have some issues with the school and that they have discouraged me from taking it despite being consistently ranking among the top ten during the review and in my batch.

I just had to vent this out here. I really hate my school right now... Hopefully when they let me take the next board exams and when I pass it I will shove it up their faces and apply at our rival school as a faculty.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Will be back

Good bye for now :) I will be back on Feb 8.. Right now I really have to focus.. I need all the luck, blessings and prayers I can get. Hopefully I will top the boards but passing it will be just fine :) see you guys again soon :)

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Hello 2016



For the past few years I have this "on and off relationship" with gay social networking sites like Grindr, Planet Romeo, and just recently Tinder. This special relationship I have with these apps have made me realize that it has turned me into some monstrous dogbitch. 

I would spend my study breaks and lazy nights looking for my next fuck buddy to have decent conversations with.  Right now however to me its has become more like an app to look for people to hook up with.  Gone are the days where you get good conversations, now it's a place to find a decent fuck. All these people in it must have influenced me to become this way. I was never like this. I used to be very submissive and yet very passive about these things.

So this year in 2016 I will now find love in a more classy way (Seduce and Abuse joke) and avoid these apps for they are full of horn dogs and assholes. I will not become superficial and judge people based on how they look. What really matters is personality (But ugh I hate to admit but maybe 30% is looks as well) and how a person carries himself.

Hopefully this year would be great for me. Since I finally decided that after the boards I will join the rat race and find myself a decent 9-5 job in my quest to finding myself.. I don't even know if I still want to become a medical practitioner anymore. I lost my burning desire to make everything better for people after being exposed to really irate and unappreciative patients. Hopefully this time I won't go on another month long hiatus of blogging haha.