(Warning this post is full of hate and profanities)
Earlier today as I was headed back to my apartment from duty. Tears randomly started falling out of my eyes and the taxi driver kept trying to look at me from his rear-view mirror and it was really awkward letting him see me in a pathetic state. I had enough... I suddenly broke down and felt a wave of sadness. I just didn't understand how I felt at that time. I know that this day has been sort of like a roller coaster from all the patient evaluations and notes I have to make and all the issues with my co-interns and workmates I have to deal with.
I just felt so fed up with keeping up with their shit.
One event that happened today..
The "B" Co-Intern: "Were gonna stay at this place in Illigan and it might be really hot and humid so when we get there just shut up and dont expect too much"
Me: WTF! I didn't even say anything yet, and I try my best to control myself not to slap the bitch out of her and say "Oh ok ill try to go with you guys then"
The "B" Co-Intern: "You should appreciate it since they are offering their place and so we can see new things"
Me: Oh my!! Wow! I have not even made any remarks or say anything about the trip and yet she just keeps on yapping. Heck I can pay for my own hotel room and not to brag but I just wanted to tell her that I have visited many places around the world where she can't even afford going to. Fccccck Im just so pissed. To hide all my anger I just smiled and me being the little angel on the outside just kept silent and made my way treating all the other patients inside the clinic.
Another event that happened today from a patient who knows my little secret.
Patient X: "So with you and your boyfriend. Whos the guy and whos the girl?"
Me: "What? I don't know.."
Patient X: "Doesn't gay couples work that way. I know you and him are together since you guys used to always visit my coffee shop"
Me: "Sir, lets focus on our treatment session for now next time nalang yan ha.." Deep inside I was pissed for asking me such question.. I mean what does he get from asking?
Boom! I disappointed my clinical instructor today by letting the chief clinician scold him for my mistake of letting the patient use the machine at the wrong time but I don't see why its a problem when the clinic today didn't even reach our usual number of patients. It wasn't even a pretty busy afternoon. Why couldn't the chief clinician be happy for the achievements we've made to our patients. I mean in a span of two weeks we have progressed from making him ambulate via the wheel chair to a cane.
Ugh!!! fck this day.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Ok enough ranting for now. I am just glad that I got this all out.
Monday, February 16, 2015
About a two weeks ago I told the ever sweet and loving Paul (the banker I met on the blue planet) that things are going no where for the both of us and that amazingly he was also feeling the same, and just waiting for our spark to just die off. We (Paul and I) both are still friends but I have somehow promised myself never to sleep with him again or with anyone else on the blue planet for as long as I have Cheng 2.0 back in my arms but for now as friends.
Right now things feel a bit awkward and different. It feels like meeting someone again for the first time. Him and I starting over again. Maybe Cheng and I are really meant for each other. He did come out to his parents for me despite them thinking that he is just going through a phase and at the expense of me not being in good terms with his family. Though right now they are pretending that he isn't "gay". I hope this doesn't reach my family just yet since I am still not ready to come out of the closet.. Will I ever come out to everyone? Who knows..
"You smell good" he said as we drove along the streets looking for a good place to eat.
"I miss this seat. I miss holding your hand as you drive me to places." I said while I try to hold his hand while he drives..
"I'm sorry if I got you into this mess.. I mean with my family.. I know this will just pass" he said in a low toned voice
"Grabe. kayahon nalang ni nato karon." (Lets just persevere for now).
"Inig graduate nimo, lets live together and start a new life together.."
"Asa man ta puyo ani? Na ganahan naman ko ma doctor." (Where do we live? I want to become a doctor.)
"We both can compromise. While I work my way for our future. You can study to reach your career goal."
I was in shock. I think things are going a bit too fast.. I still love him.
Sidenote: Internship has been keeping me pretty busy lately. This was suppose to be posted a few days back but I just couldn't find the time to post this... Send me more mail :) :) I really love talking to you guys.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Its good to be back home. Away from the hustle and bustle of Q.C.. Its amazing how 45 days in Manila can make such a difference in my life, all the virginal experiences and the crazy encounters. Manila is def something else and would probably hold many of the most memorable experiences of my life.
Enough about that though.. When I got back home (In the province where I really live and not Q.C), I was told by my mom that Cheng has been dropping by the house a lot lately and is eating with us for dinner that night. "Wow really?" I blurt out to not make anything seem awkward with my mom.
What the fudge? Why does he even have to eat dinner with us?!
"So are we eating in tonight or are we going out?" I asked
"Cheng had already ordered food for here tonight, such a sweet boy noh? It feels like he is part of our family." my mother said sweetly
Feeling sort of tempted to come out to my mother and tell her that he used to be my boyfriend, I said "Yea he sort of does...". Feeling sort of scared to face him again in a few hours. I was anxious as to why he suddenly wanted to have dinner with us. I was starting to feel insecure and realized how I never really moved on..
I sort of still love him. After about 6 months post-break up, there isn't a week where I don't think about him. Every place and everything around me sort of reminds me of him.
The doorbell rings. Fck! its him.. Should I pretend to sleep in my room? He is bound to just barge in my room anyways.. So its useless. I just hide under the sheets and pretend to sleep anyways.
The room to my door finally opens. That familiar smell is back and this time its the perfume I gave him a year ago. Its him..
"Simon, I know your probably wondering why I am here.. I want to talk to you but you have not been answering my calls, replying to my texts and you even blocked me on facebook." He said in a seemingly calm voice as he started to sit right next to where I lay in bed.
"I know your awake.. Just talk me again. Please. I miss you tiantian..." as he started moving his hands up and down my leg. Each stroke sending an electrifying feeling that I don't seem to understand but enjoy.
I felt like crying. I just could not seem to understand my feelings at that moment if I was mad at him or if I was happy to finally see him or even be with him again. It was bittersweet.
I mustered up enough courage to speak and said "What do you want?"
Thinking that he might hurt me I turned on the voice recorder and started recording our conversation incase I would need it for evidence if ever I get emotionally abused or something.
"I broke up with my girlfriend and what I am about to tell you might shock you." His tone started to become a bit more dark and serious..
"What is it?" I asked wanting to know.
"I finally came out to them.. So I have never felt so free in my life but they are not so happy about it and my mom is in disbelief." while he started to lay down beside me.
"Wow good for you atleast they did not disown you or cut you off the family fortune. Why are you telling me all this?" I said harshly.
"I.realized.that I still..love you. Which is why I broke up with Christy and came out to my family. I want you to be part of my life again" he started to become teary.
It felt like I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth so I hugged him and said "I miss you too and I still love you but I am still pretty hurt from what you've done."
I moved my face closer to his hair and took one deep breath. That familiar scent sends me into ecstasy. "I miss you so much but I know you would probably just hurt me again, so maybe we can stay like this right now and just be friends. We may not be as close as before but atleast we are civil with each other" I said beginning to feel a bit teary.
My helper knocks on the door telling us that dinner is ready..
"I dont want to be just friends, I realized that I want you and that you make me happy. I came out for you doesn't it make you happy?" he said lowering his voice being aware that the people by the door might catch our conversation"
"I really want you back but I am sort of seeing another banker but he makes me happy too.. So lets just be civil about this."