Monday, February 2, 2015

Probably starting over again.


Its good to be back home. Away from the hustle and bustle of Q.C..  Its amazing how 45 days in Manila can make such a difference in my life, all the virginal experiences and the crazy encounters. Manila is def something else and would probably hold many of the most memorable experiences of my life.

Enough about that though.. When I got back home (In the province where I really live and not Q.C), I was told by my mom that Cheng has been dropping by the house a lot lately and is eating with us for dinner that night. "Wow really?" I blurt out to not make anything seem awkward with my mom.

What the fudge? Why does he even have to eat dinner with us?!
"So are we eating in tonight or are we going out?" I asked
"Cheng had already ordered food for here tonight, such a sweet boy noh? It feels like he is part of our family." my mother said sweetly
Feeling sort of tempted to come out to my mother and tell her that he used to be my boyfriend, I said "Yea he sort of does...". Feeling sort of scared to face him again in a few hours. I was anxious as to why he suddenly wanted to have dinner with us. I was starting to feel insecure and realized how I never really moved on..

I sort of still love him. After about 6 months post-break up, there isn't a week where I don't think about him. Every place and everything around me sort of reminds me of him.
The doorbell rings. Fck! its him.. Should I pretend to sleep in my room? He is bound to just barge in my room anyways.. So its useless. I just hide under the sheets and pretend to sleep anyways.

The room to my door finally opens. That familiar smell is back and this time its the perfume I gave him a year ago. Its him..

"Simon, I know your probably wondering why I am here.. I want to talk to you but you have not been answering my calls, replying to my texts and you even blocked me on facebook." He said in a seemingly calm voice as he started to sit right next to where I lay in bed.

"I know your awake.. Just talk me again. Please. I miss you tiantian..." as he started moving his hands up and down my leg. Each stroke sending an electrifying feeling that I don't seem to understand but enjoy.

I felt like crying. I just could not seem to understand my feelings at that moment if I was mad at him or if I was happy to finally see him or even be with him again. It was bittersweet.

I mustered up enough courage to speak and said "What do you want?"
Thinking that he might hurt me I turned on the voice recorder and started recording our conversation incase I would need it for evidence if ever I get emotionally abused or something.

"I broke up with my girlfriend and what I am about to tell you might shock you." His tone started to become a bit more dark and serious..

"What is it?" I asked wanting to know.

"I finally came out to them.. So I have never felt so free in my life but they are not so happy about it and my mom is in disbelief." while he started to lay down beside me.

"Wow good for you atleast they did not disown you or cut you off the family fortune. Why are you telling me all this?" I said harshly.

"I.realized.that I still..love you. Which is why I broke up with Christy and came out to my family. I want you to be part of my life again" he started to become teary.

It felt like I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth so I hugged him and said "I miss you too and I still love you but I am still pretty hurt from what you've done."

I moved my face closer to his hair and took one deep breath. That familiar scent sends me into ecstasy. "I miss you so much but I know you would probably just hurt me again, so maybe we can stay like this right now and just be friends. We may not be as close as before but atleast we are civil with each other" I said beginning to feel a bit teary.

My helper knocks on the door telling us that dinner is ready..
"I dont want to be just friends, I realized that I want you and that you make me happy. I came out for you doesn't it make you happy?" he said lowering his voice being aware that the people by the door might catch our conversation"

"I really want you back but I am sort of seeing another banker but he makes me happy too.. So lets just be civil about this."

25 comments:

  1. Ditch the banker and go back to him! Love like that is hard to find.

    And the part where he dropped by totally reminded me of the anecdote behind Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts!

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    1. This was suppose to be posted about two weeks ago ;) Updates coming soon :) Been sort of busy with my internship life

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  2. Shoti... as if you went through my diary and wrote about it here with you and Cheng's replacing our names. huhuhuu!!!

    I guess I can say that I really understand what went through your mind when you heard Cheng's name and that he was coming. Especially when you already know his presence is there via 6th sense.

    Whatever your decision is shoti, I'm going to support you. I was sad when you guys broke up but I understand your situation more than Cheng's.

    Go pak boom!

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    1. Awh, Im glad that you can sort of relate :)

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  3. I think it would be a mistake to not give Cheng a second chance (if that really is his second chance). His sacrifices show his redemption. Pero feeling ko, okay lang din yung decision mo na friends lang muna kayo. It's justified naman, the way I see it, after what he did to you. Of course you would want to see first where your relationship with Mr. Banker would lead to, right?

    *sigh* Decisions, decisions...

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    1. This wont be his second chance but his fourth. I dont know how many more times should I get hurt for him but maybe this is def real love that I cant seem to just let go.

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    2. "To love is to be vulnerable." ~ C.S. Lewis

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  4. Sort of a scene I only see in movies but I am happy for you. Be friends for now, and time will tell whether it is you and Cheng again. Some people need to go away to find themselves and both of you did. The question is, will you do the same for him?

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    1. I dont think I would have the guts to do the same though but yea :)

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  5. You guys have been through so much. From the way you write I think that you should come back to him and the banker guy was probably just a rebound.

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    1. He knows he is a rebound I mean we have not even reached the courting stage yet.

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  6. Cheng! Cheng! *kung boxing to, pupusta ako sa side ni Cheng*

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  7. Ang hirap naman, you and Cheng have so much history and what he did, if he really did it for you was great, but he needs to promise, commit, pusta, lahat lahat na, that he will never hurt you again.

    In the end, just follow what feels right to you. Tapos psuh na yan :)

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    1. I think I know what I want :) Thanks for the advice :) :) :)

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  8. Past or Present? In the future, who would you like to be with?

    Well, you’re right. Don't rush things. Take your time. We can never love someone wholeheartedly if the heart itself is not yet ready.

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    1. True. I learned over and over again that I should never rush things

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  9. haba ng hair. hehehe

    but seriously, take things slow. hirap ang complications.

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    1. True very true :) Feel ko talaga na haba ang hair ko haha :)

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  10. If to take sides, as much as I'd like to vie for Cheng, I'd fight for you. I mean, do what you must to mend your heart.

    Even if it means placing Cheng on the bench for awhile.

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  11. Bibigyan kita ng suklay kung magkita tayo. Hahaha nakakaloka.

    But seriously. Get him back.

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  12. Di kayang tanggalin ng blade ang sakit ng sugat na ginawa niya. Ibang bagay ang makakapagpagaling sa sugat na nagawa ng blade.

    Wag mo nang balikan ang taong nakasakit sa'yo.

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  13. OMG!!!! You just made me so happy! Super kilig ng post mo.

    I won't tell you to get back at him or not. I won't tell you to not give him a second chance. But I will tell you this - when everything else is said and done, what is important is that at the end of the day, when we look at our reflection in the mirror, we can honestly say that we made the choice that makes us happy. It may not be the right choice or the good choice, but it's the one choice that makes you smile :D

    You, my friend, if ever I get the chance to meet you in person, I will treat you to a fabulous dinner! :D

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