Wednesday, December 30, 2015

We keep crossing paths.

A week ago at the airport things got really awkward...
I was never expecting to see him again but FUDGE I saw Cheng and his family at the airport.
I pretended not to see them but I seemed to have failed miserably at avoiding them since his mother called me over to sit with them at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

I could not decline his mother's (Tita) offer to get me a drink as part of her quest to finally obtain a planner for 2016 which they call "The Giving Journal".

To break silence I asked "Where are you guys headed?"                 
Cheng's sister happily said "Were going to Universal Studios in Japan!"Fudge, I guess this means that were gonna be in the same flight.. Friggin PAL I should have took CebuPac if I had known... I said to myself

After how many months of avoiding him somehow the world just wants our paths to cross again or maybe I have yet to realize that this province I am in is actually really small and that maybe the world is actually small.

Cheng nudged me to go with him for a smoke.
He grinned at me as he lit up his Marlboro black using the lighter that was tied to the table. 
"Smoking again huh? How are you Cheng?" I said while fanning the smoke away from me
"I am doing ok. I got promoted last month. I am close to becoming a branch manager maybe in a year or two from now. What about you?"
"Right now, preparing for the upcoming board exams and still thinking what to do with my life right after.. Still a bit confused if I should focus on trying to go abroad or maybe proceed wth med school"

We just stared at each other for a good 30 seconds.

Suddenly I felt weird.. like butterflies in my stomach. I thought I have completely moved on but ugh. He always has his way to get back into my mind. Isn't he tired? Tired of running on my mind? *Insert laugh track here(haha, buh I know its a lame pick-up line #hugoat)* 

A few flashbacks of happy moments with him started to run through my mind.. Despite the strong smell of cigarette smoke, 
I can tell that he has his usual Burberry Weekend cologne on. The familiar scent that once lingered on my sheets and pillows.. Brings back so much memories of how lust turned to love which later led to months of heartbreak. 

"Funny how our paths crossed again.." I said
He casually ran his hand up my crotch "I miss this... Too bad my girlfriend doesn't have one.."
I froze in shock
"Your still wearing our couple watch.." as he showed me he had his on too.

I felt some non-sexual tension building up. We had two more hours till boarding time.
I was getting hard and I can tell he wanted something quick by the familiar look of lust on his face.. 
Luckily there was barely anyone in the airport today. Otherwise we would have had a hard time releasing all this tension. 

We got in the biggest cubicle and made out. He pulled down his pants and directed my head to his manong.. I pulled back the foreskin and smelled the familiar odour which was unappealing yet arousing at the same time as I proceeded to give him head as he played with my hair and covered his mouth his jacket to try and silence his brisk moans. 

Finally after a few moments he signalled that he was about to cum so I let his manong go deep in to my throat so that I directly swallow every single drop of it and to make sure I don't leave a trace in my mouth. He was now giving me head and I shoot out all into his mouth and as we started to fix ourselves he got tissues out of his pocket and spat it out and threw it in the trash bin which I found sort of unfair.

I could still feel his length in my mouth as I write this post to document and preserve memories. Happy Holidays to all of you and thank you for the all the sweet greetings you guys sent me on my email :) Very happy to read them :) Sorry for not being able to post much since I was busy reviewing for the upcoming boards and the usual holiday rituals. 

Sunday, October 25, 2015

I lost myself.

"Lost Myself" - Simon Y. (10-25-15)

I do not understand myself right now.
I just realized that I lost myself.
What can I do to fix this mess I'm in.

I don't know what direction I'm going.
My goals have become more like dreams lately.
I need someone to listen so greatly!

Everything is slowly starting to fall apart.
My family is out of the country.
I think that my love for him is now gone.

I do not know what is real anymore.
I cannot run to anyone I trust.
Why is this happening to me just now?

Stop whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
You know that I love you but I hate you.
Nothing feels the same, everything has changed.

Sorry for being such an ass to you.
I have not been feeling myself lately.
Could be that I have fallen out of love.

Love made me do so many stupid things
Many stupid things that ruined my life
Why do I still love you when I hate you?

Hello fellow bloggers and readers. It has been such a long time since my last post. I just made myself a poem to keep myself sane. Life has been such a bitch to me lately.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

L'esprit de L'escalier: Time to break the silence

Ive sort of been in your position and that I know it feels pretty rough.. I hope your doing ok :)
Love is mysterious it could be kind and gentle but sometimes it could be just plain harsh and rough.

Monday, April 6, 2015

I've been busy.

Lately I have been pretty busy with my life. I have not been this busy since about a year ago on my path to internship. I don't seem to understand how my internship right now has started to eat up so much of my time. I expected my internship life to not be so toxic as a reward for all my hardwork in school. I have to admit though that if I had given my thesis more effort, I would have never been this busy.

I have become so busy to the point that this year I have not undergone the annual feeling of regrets on how I never should have failed as much or shifted many courses when seeing my former classmates graduate and take the next journey towards aiming to become a board placer or to experience the rat race of life.

"Bitter seeing your former batchmates graduate already?" He said as I was scrolling my news feed.
I bitterly say "Nope. I honestly cant even imagine myself working or taking part of the family business"

 I feel so stressed out but buuuh even my long weekend/holy week vacay was filled with tons of stuff to do.. I have been in my room for about 70% of the time..
"You need more sex, your clothes are starting to not fit you well anymore.. Even your face is getting rounder" He jokingly said as he was caressing my neck
I was tempted to give in since we have not done anything naughty for the past few days but then I was already comfortable in bed spooning with him and said "Will you still love me when I get super fat and old or do I only exist to you when you have needs to be satisfied?"
I felt his manong growing as it starts to poke my butt cheek.. from there everything happened :)

Friday, February 20, 2015


(Warning this post is full of hate and profanities)

Earlier today as I was headed back to my apartment from duty. Tears randomly started falling out of my eyes and the taxi driver kept trying to look at me from his rear-view mirror and it was really awkward letting him see me in a pathetic state. I had enough... I suddenly broke down and felt a wave of sadness. I just didn't understand how I felt at that time. I know that this day has been sort of like a roller coaster from all the patient evaluations and notes I have to make and all the issues with my co-interns and workmates I have to deal with.

I just felt so fed up with keeping up with their shit.

One event that happened today..
The "B" Co-Intern: "Were gonna stay at this place in Illigan and it might be really hot and humid so when we get there just shut up and dont expect too much"

Me: WTF! I didn't even say anything yet, and I try my best to control myself not to slap the bitch out of her and say "Oh ok ill try to go with you guys then"

The "B" Co-Intern: "You should appreciate it since they are offering their place and so we can see new things"

Me: Oh my!! Wow! I have not even made any remarks or say anything about the trip and yet she just keeps on yapping. Heck I can pay for my own hotel room and not to brag but I just wanted to tell her that I have visited many places around the world where she can't even afford going to. Fccccck Im just so pissed. To hide all my anger I just smiled and me being the little angel on the outside just kept silent and made my way treating all the other patients inside the clinic.
Another event that happened today from a patient who knows my little secret.

Patient X: "So with you and your boyfriend. Whos the guy and whos the girl?"
Me: "What? I don't know.."
Patient X: "Doesn't gay couples work that way. I know you and him are together since you guys used to always visit my coffee shop"
Me: "Sir, lets focus on our treatment session for now next time nalang yan ha.." Deep inside I was pissed for asking me such question.. I mean what does he get from asking?

Boom! I disappointed my clinical instructor today by letting the chief clinician scold him for my mistake of letting the patient use the machine at the wrong time but I don't see why its a problem when the clinic today didn't even reach our usual number of patients. It wasn't even a pretty busy afternoon. Why couldn't the chief clinician be happy for the achievements we've made to our patients. I mean in a span of two weeks we have progressed from making him ambulate via the wheel chair to a cane.

Ugh!!! fck this day.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ok enough ranting for now. I am just glad that I got this all out.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Close one door and another opens.

(Photo was taken in some restaurant in Tagaytay last december. I just cant recall the name.. ops)

About a two weeks ago I told the ever sweet and loving Paul (the banker I met on the blue planet) that things are going no where for the both of us and that amazingly he was also feeling the same, and just waiting for our spark to just die off. We (Paul and I) both are still friends but I have somehow promised myself never to sleep with him again or with anyone else on the blue planet for as long as I have Cheng 2.0 back in my arms but for now as friends.

Right now things feel a bit awkward and different. It feels like meeting someone again for the first time. Him and I starting over again. Maybe Cheng and I are really meant for each other. He did come out to his parents for me despite them thinking that he is just going through a phase and at the expense of me not being in good terms with his family. Though right now they are pretending that he isn't "gay". I hope this doesn't reach my family just yet since I am still not ready to come out of the closet.. Will I ever come out to everyone? Who knows..

"You smell good" he said as we drove along the streets looking for a good place to eat.
"I miss this seat. I miss holding your hand as you drive me to places." I said while I try to hold his hand while he drives..
"I'm sorry if I got you into this mess.. I mean with my family.. I know this will just pass" he said in a low toned voice
"Grabe. kayahon nalang ni nato karon." (Lets just persevere for now).
"Inig graduate nimo, lets live together and start a new life together.."
"Asa man ta puyo ani? Na ganahan naman ko ma doctor." (Where do we live? I want to become a doctor.)
"We both can compromise. While I work my way for our future. You can study to reach your career goal."

I was in shock. I think things are going a bit too fast.. I still love him.


Sidenote: Internship has been keeping me pretty busy lately. This was suppose to be posted a few days back but I just couldn't find the time to post this... Send me more mail :) :) I really love talking to you guys.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Probably starting over again.

Its good to be back home. Away from the hustle and bustle of Q.C..  Its amazing how 45 days in Manila can make such a difference in my life, all the virginal experiences and the crazy encounters. Manila is def something else and would probably hold many of the most memorable experiences of my life.

Enough about that though.. When I got back home (In the province where I really live and not Q.C), I was told by my mom that Cheng has been dropping by the house a lot lately and is eating with us for dinner that night. "Wow really?" I blurt out to not make anything seem awkward with my mom.

What the fudge? Why does he even have to eat dinner with us?!
"So are we eating in tonight or are we going out?" I asked
"Cheng had already ordered food for here tonight, such a sweet boy noh? It feels like he is part of our family." my mother said sweetly
Feeling sort of tempted to come out to my mother and tell her that he used to be my boyfriend, I said "Yea he sort of does...". Feeling sort of scared to face him again in a few hours. I was anxious as to why he suddenly wanted to have dinner with us. I was starting to feel insecure and realized how I never really moved on..

I sort of still love him. After about 6 months post-break up, there isn't a week where I don't think about him. Every place and everything around me sort of reminds me of him.
The doorbell rings. Fck! its him.. Should I pretend to sleep in my room? He is bound to just barge in my room anyways.. So its useless. I just hide under the sheets and pretend to sleep anyways.

The room to my door finally opens. That familiar smell is back and this time its the perfume I gave him a year ago. Its him..

"Simon, I know your probably wondering why I am here.. I want to talk to you but you have not been answering my calls, replying to my texts and you even blocked me on facebook." He said in a seemingly calm voice as he started to sit right next to where I lay in bed.

"I know your awake.. Just talk me again. Please. I miss you tiantian..." as he started moving his hands up and down my leg. Each stroke sending an electrifying feeling that I don't seem to understand but enjoy.

I felt like crying. I just could not seem to understand my feelings at that moment if I was mad at him or if I was happy to finally see him or even be with him again. It was bittersweet.

I mustered up enough courage to speak and said "What do you want?"
Thinking that he might hurt me I turned on the voice recorder and started recording our conversation incase I would need it for evidence if ever I get emotionally abused or something.

"I broke up with my girlfriend and what I am about to tell you might shock you." His tone started to become a bit more dark and serious..

"What is it?" I asked wanting to know.

"I finally came out to them.. So I have never felt so free in my life but they are not so happy about it and my mom is in disbelief." while he started to lay down beside me.

"Wow good for you atleast they did not disown you or cut you off the family fortune. Why are you telling me all this?" I said harshly.

"I.realized.that I you. Which is why I broke up with Christy and came out to my family. I want you to be part of my life again" he started to become teary.

It felt like I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth so I hugged him and said "I miss you too and I still love you but I am still pretty hurt from what you've done."

I moved my face closer to his hair and took one deep breath. That familiar scent sends me into ecstasy. "I miss you so much but I know you would probably just hurt me again, so maybe we can stay like this right now and just be friends. We may not be as close as before but atleast we are civil with each other" I said beginning to feel a bit teary.

My helper knocks on the door telling us that dinner is ready..
"I dont want to be just friends, I realized that I want you and that you make me happy. I came out for you doesn't it make you happy?" he said lowering his voice being aware that the people by the door might catch our conversation"

"I really want you back but I am sort of seeing another banker but he makes me happy too.. So lets just be civil about this."