Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Back to square one

After all that we have been through I just feel like we are back to square one. Those days when everything would feel all awkward. Every whisper and every kiss you gave me today did not feel the same.. Yet I still love you. Maybe time will fix all this again..

Thursday, June 12, 2014


School has been making me such a busy bee lately that I barely even have time blog. But at least now I have some time to spare since it is a holiday ;) Me and Cheng were suppose to spend last night at some hotel but since things got a bit awkward maybe its best if we just remain civil and not talk at all for now.

Maybe he was right.. Maybe eventually we would just break up, just so that we can end up marrying a woman. Would that really happen to me though? I know for myself that I really am gay and would rather be with a guy for the rest of my life than live a life of lies and marry a woman to have kids which I would probably love more than my wife.

My parents would also probably want me to marry a woman to not put shame on the family but what is there to shame about being gay? There is nothing wrong with being gay. Why can't society accept that gays are just like everyone else? It is so stupid. Maybe someday they would accept us but when would that someday be? When will that someday happen where we would live a life of being free to love whomever we want to love. Where there wouldn't be double standards of two people being cute together.

For now I still am really hurt and disappointed but I just cannot seem to let go of Cheng.. I still love him and probably will always love him. For now lets just celebrate Independence.. Happy Independence day everyone.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Where are we going?

Today... I left his condo.. Maybe we both just need time to think things through..
He opened up at a very sensitive topic that even I don't know the answer to..

So last night we were sampling the different dishes this new dimsum place had to offer and over dinner, we usually take a long time to finish our dinner since we usually just talk, talk and talk but tonight was different.. Cheng seemed awfully quiet that all he did was just eat and not bother to make much conversation.. So me thinking he was just hungry just let it go.. So we finally finished and paid the bill and all. He usually just hangs his arms around my shoulders but tonight was different..

While we were in his car, I wondered why he still did not move out of the parking area.

He suddenly held my hand and asked "Where are we going?"
Thinking he was referring to a place I said "Home, im tired lets go home"

"No Tiantian, where are we really going? Like us.."
"Ha what do you mean?" I was starting to feel uncomfortable.. I felt teary eyed
"Your graduating in a few months and probably moving in with me but what happens after we both come out?"
 I was left speechless. I just sat there not saying anything and shrugged his hand off mine..
 "Do we really have a future together as husband and husband? I want kids, a house and even grandchildren."

I did not know where this all was coming from.. "I dont know Cheng.. I dont know"
I started to cry..
"Tiantian, Im not breaking up with your or anything but I just dont know where we are going.."
"Tiantian, you know how much I love you and all but I just don't know if we have a future here.."

"I love you too Cheng but where is this all coming from?" I cried even more..
"Well my aunts and mother is pressuring me to date Christy.. You remember her my ex-fling..? The one whose family owns the storehouse a buildings next to yours?"
I was getting angry and at the same time really confused if he was breaking up with me I just didnt want to talk anymore..
"I already Christy has a thing for me ever since but what if I get into a relationship with her as a cover up and that maybe you can just be my secret lover? Just like that TV show?"

"Cheng, I want to go home.. Just drive us to your place now..."
We got to his condo and I started to pack up my things..

"Why are you leaving me?" He started sobbing as well..
"I was wondering if you were open to that idea.. We could both get a wife and keep this life a secret"

I left.. I did not want to hear anything more..
I did not know what to say.. Even till now..
Where are we going?
Maybe he was right all along..
I dont know..
I dont know..

Friday, June 6, 2014

Why do they even have to care?

So a few weeks back we had dinner at this restaurant known for having a nice view of the city, depending on which branch you go to either from the mountain, beach, or even in-between. So we obviously went to the mountain branch for our dinner date together but what shocked us the most was how some other tables kept minding us...

I felt sort of ashamed and insecure with all the tables around us looking at us. We even overheard a kid say "Mommy are you sure they are gay?" wow! Just wow! It confirmed that they were talking about us..  Does it even make a difference to the taste of their food? I hope that motherbitch who chose to wear her Armani glasses throughout the dinner trips or something or may her mind be blessed to be open nalang.

This has never happened before... Was it because Cheng had his arm hanging on my shoulder as we walked towards our table? Were we that obvious? Or did we have just have much of a good time that the other tables were jealous? Past is past anyways.. :) Lets just move on