Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Look what I found in my notebook

I found this note inserted in my notebook.. It's a good thing that nobody goes through my stuff or god knows what might happen.. This is crazy. But I cant be bothered by any of this just yet.. Studies first, problems later!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The unexpected visit.

Fortunately nobody in my household even until now know about me and that bastard Cheng. Unfortunately for me however, today my maids and mom freely let him come in my house and had me eat breakfast with him a few hours ago I was left again with mixed emotions of sadness and anger.

I can't blame my maids and mom for letting him in the house since they are just so used to him being around the house a lot. Though I never expected him to have the guts to come to my house after what he did to me. I woke up to him sitting at my desk. I did not want to cause a scene in my house and possibly risking us out of the closet by my mom asking us what happened. So it was about 7:30am we were called to go to the dinner table for breakfast. We were going on with our lives eating breakfast like normal civilized adults till I found the pitcher of water next to him. I was thirsty but I did not have the guts to talk to him or even ask him to pour me a glass. I didn't want to talk to him, I was still mad. I was thirsty! I needed something to quench my thirst so I had no choice.. "Cheng, uhm can you pour me some water". He looked at me in shock and then again suddenly a wave of emotions came to me.

Deep inside I started to feel sad because I would not be able to do things with him anymore. I felt sad knowing that I had nobody to love me or even love anymore. Sad because I lost a good relationship.

I also felt angry for what he did to me. I was cheated on by his office-mate. He still had the guts to come to my house and try to talk things out. Angry because he made me love him.

We got back to my room and he started tearing up saying "It's not what you think it is.". "We were just playing around and he suddenly just kissed me on the cheek". "Carlo does that to everyone but he isn't even like "us" ". I kept silent for a few and said "Just leave. I don't want to talk to you right now" Should I believe him? How is holding hands playing around? Was I over reacting or was he lying to me?

I started to feel stupid for getting angry and jealous. Feeling confused I just did not know who to believe anymore. My eyes or his words. I did not know what to say or do. I wanted us to happen again but then again I did not want to be hurt anymore. As soon as I got to school I just had to write this post immediately.

 This is the first major big fight we had. I don't know what to do should I end things myself now or give this love another chance?

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Broken and Angry.

I feel so angry and hurt but I don't want to stay in this state.
I really want to vent out right now. I want my friends to know that I have been fooled by that bastard.
I don't want to answer his calls, read his messages(Thank god for the blocking feature in my phone), or even have anything to do with him anymore. Time to clear my room of things that come from him. There are pictures to burn and memories to be forgotten.

Fck! Im so angry!! Of all the people why me? Why have I not expected this to happen? Why me? Damn it! Why me? Why me!! There is small part of me that wants to know why you did this to me, but there is this big part of me that wants to stuff you in a box and drown you. "Let me explain" was the last message I read from you. Explain what!? What is there to explain? I don't even want to hear anything about it. Just leave me alone.

I was waiting in the coffee shop right across your office to give you an early surprise for our 17 months but instead you gave me a surprise by seeing you with someone else in PUBLIC. You asshole. You bitch. You whore. I baked a cake for the first time for you. We were suppose to go home with a cake-filled stomach but instead I drove home alone with the cake still rotting at the back of my car. What happened to being partners for life? Are you not happy about us? Where is the "us" in Trust? I trusted you but you turned me into a fool.


Earlier today (Nov 23, 2013) I saw something that hurt me so badly.
I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I am starting to feel tired and uninspired.
I can't sleep. That moment just keeps flashing into my mind and I cant stop thinking about it.
I am hurt! So hurt! So fucking hurt.

Why? What did I do wrong? Have I been too busy? Am I that stupid to not notice?
After nearly a year and five months of being into each others arms. This is where it all ends? I don't deserve this.. I don't deserve to be cheated on. Is this why you are so busy at work? Was it by faith that I caught you in the arms of another? I feel so scarred to see you holding hands with another guy. To see him kiss you like that. I saw everything and this needs no explanation... 

I hope the dents on your car made by the thrown books I kept myself busy with. Did enough damage for you to drive yourself around the city in shame. BTW Fuck you

Monday, November 18, 2013


What is life without love? Is it like living a world with no colour? Is it a world without magic?
What do we lose if we don't love? Do we lose our goals? Do we lose purpose?
What is love? Is it that unexplainable feeling of being wanted or wanting someone? Is it what drives us crazy?
Where can we get love? Is it sold? Is it given? or is it found?
Whatever love is, I just know that I want it and that I was born to love.
-Y,TM"S" 11/17/2013

 Randomly made this earlier while studying.. Feeling inspired much? Hahaha
I hope to post again soon :)

Sunday, November 17, 2013


Karoshi - means death by overwork.

Right now I am feeling really pressured to catch up with my studies. Unfortunately because of my Friday night and Saturday endeavor, I am now drowning myself with lots of school work on a Sunday. Loads of topics to study, cases to read, & a week long train of long quizzes to ace. Whats even worst is I realized over the week is that I have a really bad foundation for half of the subjects I am taking because I cheated my way to passing that foundational subject. There is no time to regret the things I have done but instead I have to work harder to adjust to what I lack.

I learned the hard way. Cheating in class really does not benefit you. My study load would have not been really heavy if I just mastered NeuroAnatomy when I had the chance. Now I am screwed. About 80% of my classes require the application of what I learned in the last semester. I guess I have to make up for what I do not have by working harder. I just hope I don't overwork to the point where I go crazy.

Cheng has been telling me to never give up and work harder. It really sounds easier said than done but wrong.. I need to be showered by a cloud full of luck to help me survive this semester. Good luck to me and Good luck to us ;)

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Are we drifting away?

I am so stressed out with all the school work I have been doing lately, while Cheng on the other hand has been busy the past two weeks with work as well. It's like we don't even mind having not much time for each other anymore. I am not saying that our feelings for each other is slowly diminishing but everything just feels different.

Everything has changed since I got back to school.

I miss the times where we would text till you fall asleep. I miss the times where I would watch you sleep when you leave your webcam on. I miss the times when we have a hard time deciding where to eat for dinner. I miss the times where I would wait for you to get out of the office so I could pick you up or you would fetch me at home. I miss holding your hand.. I miss you Cheng.. I hate the fact that school has made the things we usually do hard but this is for the betterment of our future and we will get through this.

Hopefully we get to adjust and get used to this..

I cannot wait to be with Cheng again tomorrow. Tomorrow it's gonna be our first dinner together this week and hopefully we get to do a lot of things over the weekend. 

School is starting to become toxic again.. It's gonna be hard to keep posting here but I will try my bestest to keep this blog alive :)

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I have a dark past.

Since you guys are want me to dig deeper on what I was talking about on my last post entitled "Holding on to the past grudge"

A very very long time ago. This person whom I thought was my friend was going around telling people things to make them hate me. This person was going around telling my friends all sorts of things to get them mad. This person whom used to be my friend caused me to become an outcast all because this person wanted revenge for something I didn't even know I did. This person told them lies. My so called friends just shunned me from out of no where with no explanations or without warning. My fcking so called friends. They didn't even ask my side of the story. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. I had no where to go. I wanted to quit school.

Graduation was coming up and random people and my former barkada started apologizing, telling me that they now knew the truth because for god knows what reasons why this person admitted it to them. I wanted to cry but instead I was angry at all of them for all the pain and misery they have caused me in the last few months of school. I was harassed, I was ridiculed, I was bullied.... I never knew the true meaning of happiness till I was at my lowest point. They only found out the truth just a few days before graduation because I have no idea what made this person admit the lies made. It was too late. I had already suffered so much and wanted no more from them. It hurts.. Even until now it hurts to remember the so called good memories. But I have moved on. I have forgiven but not forgotten...

Holding on to the past grudge.

Its been nearly six years since I last saw them. I found it so awkward for them to still acknowledge me, despite laying low to slowly get out of their lives. The world is just so small that I can't seem to avoid the people I once shared good memories with. I know that we have cut ties in a mature way. I know that we have tried to make up for each others wrong doing. But It's just so hard to rekindle the flame of friendship that was once there. I just do not want to be friends with them anymore. I do not want to have anything to do with them anymore.

I can't hold grudges against them forever but I feel like things will never be the same. That there would be no point in even trying. Its been nearly six years and despite talking this over before. I still remember being betrayed. I still remember how they never listened to me. I still remember feeling lost. I still remember the pain and until now I still am hurting.

I choose never to attend every party, every reunion, every gimmick they invite me to. Their efforts of trying to rekindle the friendship that was once there has gone to waste. I chose to give short replies to the conversations they make on facebook or make any participation in group conversations. I really just do not want to be friends anymore. It's hard.. I don't want to see their faces anymore. I have a better life now & I have friends so much better now. For the past six years I have been doing so much better without them but I hope someday I will eventually soften up to them..

I have forgiven but not forgotten.

Woah! I am rarely ever sad or mad. But after seeing a friend of mine who used to be close to me while volunteering to repack goods at ABS CBN. Memories just came rushing back in. The hurt, the feels.. This person tried again for the nth time to warm up to me but up until now I cant help but still feel cold towards them.. Im sorry its just me

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The first dance in the dark.

Everything just happened so fast. It was never planned nor was is it expected. It was a night to see places, where the sun don't shine. Memories were made and barriers were broken. We were dancing in the dark...

Back then Cheng and I were still just best friends. We went drinking at a well known mountain park with a few of his friends one night. Because it was only the second time I got to meet his friends. I felt out of place and super shy, even if there was only the six of us. Being unable to relate to their conversations about their classes, teachers and common friends. So I just kept drinking to keep busy and to give myself an excuse to not mingle much.

A few cheers then and now, we were down to our last bottle of  Antonov. I was starting to feel so hammered from all that alcohol in my system. I started to gain an unbelievably high amount of confidence and from there I felt like I was the center of attention. They would laugh at my every joke or sincerely listen to what I say. We finally finished the last bottle of Antonov and decided to head home. I wobbled as I walked towards my car. As my hands reached towards my pocket to get the car key. Cheng told his friends that we were spending the night in the mountains because I was too drunk to drive home. So his friends left us here in the mountain to sleep in some cabin.

I felt like a child. I felt angry and told him to give me my keys so we could go home.
"We are spending the night here because your too drunk" he said

He led me into the cabin and I was already starting to feel all sobered up.
"I am doing this because I care about our safety." he said in an assuring manner

Me being stubborn I tried to get the car key from his hand while saying "I already feel better so lets just go..."
He interrupted what I was saying and suddenly hugged me.

"Just listen to me ok and stay... I thought about what you said a few months ago and I think I like you too"
We suddenly started to make out tasting the alcohol in his mouth. I didn't know how it all started.

I was starting to feel horny. I undid his pants then put down his underwear. It was pointing right at me. A virgin, dancing in the dark. It was my sexual encounter with another guy. It was the first time I held a dick with my bare hands. He just stood there frozen while I continued jacking him off. He told me to suck it but I was too scared to try at first. So he laid me down in bed and started sucking my dick. It felt so good. It was this unexplainable good tickling feeling. It was so full of sensation that I inevitably thrust my hips up and down towards his face. Till I came. I came too fast and each shot of string felt so strong. Cumming never felt so good. I felt tired but I knew I had to return the favor so I blew him for the first time and it felt weird. His precum tasted like swimming pool water and he told me to just jack him off because my teeth were hurting him. After a few minutes which felt like hours he finally came and I didn't even care anymore where it landed and  I started to lay there beside him and sleep. I was satisfied.

I woke up thinking it was just a dream till I realized I was naked under the sheaths with Cheng right next to me naked as well. After that night sex happened to become part of our routine when we meet up. We felt like mad rabbits grabbing every chance we could to do stuff to each other. We felt closer than ever and we both started to become too attached to each other. I was addicted to the pleasure he was giving me.

Woah! I had an awkward time writing this but this I should keep to remember how I started to become sexually active with my partner.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Those little things.

As you all are probably aware the storm locally known as "Yolanda", passed by our area two days ago (Since I am writing this at midnight). There was a province-wide loss of electricity and that phone reception was getting real bad. Branches were breaking and falling by the force of the strong winds, the streets were starting to flood due to the heavy downpour of rain, and that people were starting to feel uneasy because of this storm. We were experiencing the biggest storm to ever make landfall in the Philippines. We were there to witness superstorm Haiyan a.k.a Yolanda..

As I peered through my window, looking at the heavy rain while hearing the strong gusts of wind. I was starting to feel scared for the safety of my family, friends, and Cheng. I was starting to worry about our lives. I was not ready to accept any loss. I  checked my phone for any texts and there I saw several messages from Cheng telling me that everything is gonna be alright and that he would come to my house after the storm (Besides the message from Sun Cellular telling me my bill was due on Sunday haha). It's one of those little things he does to brighten my darkest hours.

After a few trees and lamp posts falling down, the storm has finally passed. I was worried that something bad might have happened to Cheng. It took a long time to finally reach him and all he said was that he just got out of the shower and that what is there to worry about when the storm isn't at its peak power when it landed in our area so no one could have possibly gotten hurt. He then said in a serious tone that Yolanda was making him wet and that he needed to see me soon. It made me laugh because it sounded like a dirty joke. How could he tell a joke at a time like this? Again it's those little things he does to brighten my darkest hours.

A few hours have passed and still the electricity was not back and will not be back till the next day. I was starting to get annoyed by the first world problems I was experiencing like if I leave the windows open my room is gonna be too cold and if I close it its gonna be too hot.. Ugh! First world problems.. So Cheng finally got to my house he gave my parents a bottle of wine which made my parents fall asleep earlier than usual after drinking. He got in my room locked the doors and started to unbutton his shirt, "We need to get the tension out of you Simon" he said. We were kissing and cuddling under the sheets. From there on it was a bliss. He really knows how to brighten my darkest hours.

I hope you enjoyed this entry as I have enjoyed writing this :) Until now I can still feel the pressure of his bites on my lips. BTW Cheng has finally agreed to let me blog about our little life just as long as I don't give out too much ;) and all it needed was some lovin hahaha.

Here is a video we both found kind of cute ;) After all its the little things that make us love each other more.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

More than just a bromance

We all have friends, some of us even have several group of friends. But of all the friends we have now, how many do we actually consider as our best friend? I am pretty sure that most of us, have that one friend we can always count on in times of need. That best friend whom we trust to keep our deepest secrets and that best friend who is like a brother to us. Who knew that my best friend would have ended up to be my partner Cheng?

Was it by chance that we met in the bar, that one drunken night? Did he purposely put his phone in my bag that night, just so we can meet again the next day? Fast forward to two years later. Even until today we both still cannot believe, on how we came to know each other. I am pretty sure that we were destined to meet each other. One way or another we both found each other. Rihanna's line "We found love, in a hopeless place" perfectly fits the situation. From then on we instantly became best friends. Which later developed into a bromance then now into something more ;)

Although our friendship did not smoothly develop into this. We also had our fair share of bumps along the way. My friends and his were at first were kinda skeptical towards Cheng and I because of how we barely had any common friends and how its weird to have met up at a bar. He felt kind of bad, because of how my friends really did not accept him at first. Eventually however they learned to accept each other and is now part of my group of friends and I part of his.

Back then we really were just friends. But to my friends and his, it was more than that. They saw us as a bromance. They say it isnt normal for people to become so close in just two months of knowing each other. They say that him taking me out for breakfast in the weekends is a bromance. They say that me picking him up late at night just to watch movies is a bromance. 

"How can you tell apart a  bromance from a normal friendship?" I asked

"You just see a bromance when two guys do things only couples normally do. Im not saying your gay though its just that you guys are so close" my friend said (back then I didnt come out to him yet) 

Me and Cheng became closer ever since the night we played 21 questions. We regularly went out and did things together (nothing sexual) as friends for a year but back then we were never a couple it was just a bromance..

Fortunately the storm was not as bad as most of us here in our area anticipated but my heart still goes out to the people greatly affected by Yolanda. 

It was sort of hard to write this post because I had a hard time on figuring out what to write today. I hope I dont run out of things to write anytime soon and also I hope that I can still have time to write more despite having classes to attend.. :)

Friday, November 8, 2013

Being on the inside looking out

Being inside the closet is hard enough but being in a discrete relationship with someone is even harder. There are times where I feel so bad for sugar coating what I say to my parents, to cover up on whats really going on behind those white doors I call my room. Those times when my parents introduce Cheng to young bachelorettes at dinner parties as "Simon's best friend", makes me want to scream that he is actually the love of my life. The countless times when Cheng's family asks on when he plans to bring his future wife home, just makes me feel so bitter. Being on the inside looking out always ends up with hurting. When will they ever be able to look behind this facade of a perfect son to cover up on who I really am.

There are several instances in my life where I am on the verge of coming out of the closet but I always remember that the consequences always outweigh the benefits. I feel so pathetic for not being able to live my life like how I want, because of my fear on knowing how my parents and most especially my relatives would react to all this. I just do not want to dishonor my family for being this way. I never chose to be in this situation, it just chose me. Of all the people it had to be me..

When I was in high school, a cousin of mine came out to his parents. He was given a choice to either be banished and live with my grandmother or to go live with his partner and be without question disowned by his own family and the rest of the "clan". He chose the latter and since then no one has ever heard from him. I tried to get an explanation of why this happened and all my Aunt said to me was "Being gay is not acceptable in our culture and it makes our family look bad." from that point onwards I lived in fear because that could also happen to me. My own family and relatives would cut ties and burn bridges for the sake of maintaining honor to the family. This is not the life I want to have.

I just wonder on how long me and Cheng could put up with this. How long can we keep hiding from all this madness? Just when are we financially ready to come out so we can finally come out and live life the way we want? We both live in fear on how we could be disowned by our own families. Our love is strong enough to withstand the things that is keeping us apart but our love is shunned upon by our families. Should we just keep going till we grow apart and live with women who will bear our future children?

How long can we be on the inside looking out?


I hope you guys learn more about us in this entry and that hopefully soon Cheng will finally soften up to the idea of me documenting our story for us to reminisce upon. Hopefully this will not be my last post till Saturday, because in a few hours a huge storm will come to wreak havoc in our area. I hope that we all remain safe and sound when the storm comes.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Wo Xu Yao Ni

I apologize for not feeding your brain with literary munchies this time but I need to vent this out...

So I  recently told my partner Cheng that I started this blog to document our early beginnings, good times and misadventures. I expected him to react positively to this but instead he did otherwise. He just did not like the idea of me sharing our stories for people to know. Despite already telling him that I did not specifically indicate anything that could reveal our identities. He still disapproves of this blog but I know through time Cheng would soften up to this. (I hope you do..)

Since we are both still in the closet to our families and to most of our friends. Cheng thinks that this blog could potentially force us out of the closet because of how people could arrange the puzzle and derive our identities from it. I find it so stupid!! Out of the millions of people in Philippines or even in our region, how could they possibly associate these stories with us?  Could it not be all just a coincidence? Could it be because of how our community is so small that news travels fast for you to think of this blog this way? Please Cheng.. Please just open your mind to this.. How could they possibly even find out about this.

Cheng, you know that I need you and I would never do anything to cause harm to you. I know of the possible consequences we might have to face if ever we get caught. But what are the odds of us getting caught? Please give this a chance to make it work out for the both of us.

Wo ai ni Cheng...

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Discovery

So this is the continuation of my last post The Spark so if you want to know how this all started I suggest you start back reading it wouldn't take you much time to do so.

After about a month of getting to know each other(Me and Cheng). We were like best friends or to me he was like a "brother from another mother". We were just so similar except for our chosen career paths(I was in the medical field and he on the other hand was in the field of computers).  We would randomly text each other during the day to check up on each other or chat late at night about video games and sometimes even our then female crushes. It was summer love to me...

So it was finally the day I get to see Cheng again and I was sort of excited and yet again at the same time scared. I just did not know what to expect or do. I came to this world with no manual on "how to start a good friendship in the physical world" so how should I know what to do outside the cyberworld where everything just came and fit naturally..

"So you still want to watch a movie later? My class ends at 4:30 so we can probably eat first then watch a movie" he texted

I was having doubts of pushing through. Knowing that its gonna be awkward since I was never good at warming up to people I just met, even if I talk to them like as if I knew them my whole life online. The cyberworld and the real physical world was just two different worlds.

So I nervously replied with "Yeah! I want Mang Inasal(To eat BBQ not the person.. FYI!) for dinner so let's meet at SM at 5:30pm-ish"

And so we met up at SM, There was just something about him that made me feel all fuzzy and weird around him. Again I could smell his unique sweet scent. I was starting to have special feelings for him.  We bought our tickets which came with a Transformers poster (Which I still have BTW) and had one of the most awkward dinner together.

So we had 2 hours till the movie started so we ate at Mang Inasal and had the most awkward sequence of awkward conversations that went like....

"Simon, you must be really gutom kay your so hilom(silent)."
"Yeah, gigutom jud ko kay nag sige rami exam kada adlaw maka stress bitaw. (Yeah, Im really hungry because of the several exams stressing me out the past few days.)."
Conversation then ends...

"Cheng! Di diay ka ganahan og halang?(Cheng! You dont like your food spicy?)"
"Uu(yes), I hate the spicy feeling I get in my mouth"
Conversation then ends again and this just went on and on and on

Till he asked "Di man ka pangitaon kung dugay ka mo uli diba?(You dont have a curfew right?)"
Wondering why he asked I said "Di man, pwede ra gani ta mag binuntagay og tagay(I dont, so we can even drink till the morning)"

"Sige sige, mag inom ta ig human sa movie ay ka balaka ako nasad bahala nimo(Alright then lets go drinking after the movie dont worry ill take care of you again)," he said excitingly, while deep inside again embarrassed with what happened a month and a few weeks ago at the bar..

As we watched the movie I couldn't help myself but look at him every few minutes and feel the high from unknowingly smelling his sweet scent (I know its weird but he just smells so good!). I started to observe the way he reacts to the scenes of the movie. I was starting to doubt myself as a man. I found it cute every time his cheeks would puff out when he smiles. I think I was starting to have a crush on him.

I did not know what to say about the movie or how to react to it because about 80% of the time inside the theater I was just thinking about him, observing every single detail about that I could observe about him while at the theater. At that time I was in self-denial I knew I couldn't have feelings for him. I was starting to think I was bisexual. I was disturbed by the fact that I confirmed to myself that I have a crush on him. But how could it be when we talk about girls late at night.

Right after the movie we rode a taxi to bring us to this sort-of-hidden convenience store near a popular go-kart track which is now populated by call center agents working nearby. He bought a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of Gin and a big bottle of C2. We played "21 Questions" where we ask each other questions. The rules were fairly simple for every question answered the asker drinks a shot & for every question passed the answerer drinks two shots.

Shot after shot I started to muster up enough courage to ask more personal leveled questions.
It went like "Cheng, Why are most of your close friends girls?"
Brief silence he took a shot then answered "I feel more comfortable with girls, what about you?.. Why are most of your friends girls?"
The tables have turned.. At that time I started to ask myself the same thing. Why are most of my friends girls? I answered "Well like you I tend to be more comfortable with them also. So did you ever have a guy crush?"
Wrong move! His smile slowly turned to a frown.. It signaled me that I just asked the un-ask-able..
He took a shot and just before he was about to take his second shot he put the glass down and answered "Im bisexual and I hope that you don't treat me differently because of this."
He then asked in a semi mellow tone "What made you ask me that?"

I sat there frozen for like a minute thinking if I should answer or not. I took two shots but answered anyway "I.... I think I like you... Like you as more than a friend..." "I have a crush on you ok.." What words just came out of my mouth..  I felt teary and I wanted to cry thinking that he would not want to be friends with me anymore.. I felt awful. DO I REALLY LIKE GUYS?!? I was in the denial stage.

He looked at me in shock filled his glass and mines. He put out his cigarette and stood up. At that moment I was thinking that he would walk out and never talk to me again. Instead he came closer to me and gave me a reassuring hug. I felt so much better and I felt free! Tears started to run in my face.

He then whispered "Being this way is not bad."
More tears started to fall. and this time he cried too and said "We are not bad people. I just know it."
 I hugged him back and said "Thanks but I know I did not choose to be BI" "Can this be our secret? I don't know how my friends and family would react to this... Cheng I am scared.." I hugged him tighter and let go..

He let go and gave me a kiss in the forehead.
Besides the fact that there were people around us. They seemed to not mind it  and that it seemed like they understand us. I looked at the people around the shop and those I made eye contact with did not give me any look of disgust. I felt somehow safe and at the same time scared that someone I know might catch us.

We drank more than just a bottle of gin that night.. 

Even while typing this part I still get teary remembering how I discovered I too is a unicorn. Back then in college I started to come out to myself as bisexual. Sadly though until now only a few of my friends know my true colors. I cannot fully come out of the closet because I know my co-workers will treat me differently and that I cannot risk getting disowned by my Family. What would my father think of me? How would my mother feel knowing that I cannot give her grand children? What is of me when I am disowned? Where do I go? I had a  former fellow gay chink friend who came out to his family and was sent to a psychiatrist to cure the gay away. Its just stupid we did not choose to be this way diba? I till now am scared.. Why does this have to come with consequences? What wrong did I do to deserve this?

Enough about that school is starting again soon and that means I would be busy again juggling my time between work, school and hobbies so Ill try to post as often as I can I promise! 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Spark

The Spark a continuation of my last post entitled "The Night That Started it All"
Note: Some things I can not really remember clearly so I had to spice it up for the sake of the story but hey atleast the gist is still there and that it really adds to the anonymity of the story ;)

I woke up the next morning because of an annoying vibration inside my sling bag which was still on me that morning. I looked inside the bag and found a phone.

I picked up to see it had 12 miss calls and a few seconds later someone named "Ate Shi" calls.. I answered the phone and suddenly from out of nowhere, a familiar voice from the other line starts shouting "Hoy kawatan e uli na akong cellphone! Bagaa sad nimo og nawong pangitaon jud tika kawatana ka! (Hey you thief give me back my phone! Are you not ashamed? I will find you, you thief!)"

I was starting to get hot tempered and shouted back "Hoy giatay! Wa ko nanihanglan sa imo phone. Nahibulong gane ko kung nano ni abot na sa akong bag imo giatayng cellphone. (Hey! I dont need your phone. I even wondered how your dreaded phone got in my bag.)".

"Awh, pwede magkita nalang ta para ma uli nimo akong cellphone? Bayran tika balik sa imo na plite. (Oh, can we meet so you can give me back my phone? Ill pay back the travel expenses" the person on the other line said calmly.

"Sige kita ta smoking area sa Mcdo asiatown ig lunch. texti lang ko ig abot nimo (Alright lets just meet at the smoking area of Mcdonalds Asiatown at lunch. Text me when your there) " what was I thinking!?! Meeting up with some random person who could possibly kidnap me or something. I was scared but at the same time I had to return the phone. I had to do something right.

So as agreed I waited in the balcony of Mcdonalds, I was scared not knowing what to expect or how the owner looks like. How the eff should I know how the owner looks like when the phone was password protected. Heck if it wasn't locked, I would have already read the messages and browsed through everything in the phone. I get a mini heart attack every time someone goes to the balcony with me thinking that it was the owner. Coincidentally I saw the guy who helped me last night go in the balcony. He was a 5'7'' tall chink with a semi clear complexion. I thought to myself that could this chink be the owner of the phone?

I look at the chink from where im sitting and see him pick up his phone. Ha! I was right! As soon as the lost phone started to ring. I just knew that it had to be his. I answered it and said "Hoy! Ikaw man diay toh ni tabang nako pag gabi-e. Naa rako galingkod sa pikas tumoy sa imo gi atabangan. (Hey! Its you the guy who helped me last night. Im here seated at the opposite end of where your facing)."

I waved his phone at him. It was awkward. I didn't know him and he didn't know me. He was fast approaching. My heart started to beat a bit fast embarrassed about last night's incident. I swear I could picture out how my face looked like but im pretty sure I looked funny. He placed his drink on the table and as soon as he sat down I could smell his sweet scent.

It was awkward he just sat there for like 20 seconds and I just could not stand the awkward silence so I said "Thanks for helping me last night, Im still quite ashamed for what happened last... night." then to add "by the way here's your phone. I charged it for awhile and don't worry I didn't go through anything since it was password locked."  He smiled back and said "Thanks" He then awkwardly said "It's a good thing my phone wasn't stolen and sold to someone in downtown" and again the awkward silence starts again.

I was beginning to feel uneasy by his awkwardness so I had to say something "I guess were even now.". "You helped me and I kept your phone safe". I awkwardly gave a small laugh. I knew that if I leave now it could be the last time I could ever talk to him or see him again. I just had to do something. "So do you want to be friends?" OMG WTF What did I just say? Im such a dork! That has got to be the lamest thing to say.

He gave a genuine laugh and said "My name is Rainier Christian but please call me Cheng, what about you?" I introduced myself and then said "I gotta go do errands for my family. It was nice to meet you".

So from then on it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. He added me on facebook and thats when the random late night chats began which later then soon developed to texting with him while in class. We were like 8 year old's who found a new best friend. I later found out that we both live fairly similar lives with us not being close to our dads & that we both did not have many guy friends. This went on for about a month till we both decided to go watch the movie "Transformers" together at the mall. It was gonna be our first meeting after returning his phone about a month ago.

To be continued again soon ;) See you soon guys! Classes are almost starting again.. Oh god!!

Friday, November 1, 2013

The Night That Started It All.

This is one of the events in my life that I can't seem forget because of how significant it is to the start of my double life.

Right after taking my last exam as a college freshman. Me and a few friends decided to celebrate with a bottle of vodka at a bar located in the heart of the city. Shot after shot I drank my stress away and enjoyed the company of my friends.
A few hours passed, I was starting to feel numb and my stomach was starting to feel weird. I had to go to the bathroom quick before something bad happens. "Simon! Where you going?" my friend shouted.

"I'm gonna take a piss" I said numbly but in truth I badly wanted to throw up.

"Do you want me to come with you?" asked my friend while his arms moving shakily against the armrest trying to stand.

"It's alright, you look like you need to just sit there and rest" I said hurriedly and immediately dashed towards the bathroom.

I dashed in the closest empty cubicle I could get into and started throwing up.
While throwing up, I was starting to feel dizzy and then I fell with my head hitting the lip of the seat.
At that time I suddenly felt better but unable to move in shock with what just happened.

Fortunately because I left the cubicle door open someone came to my aid and said "Hey are you ok?" I just looked back at him in awe, wondering who he was and thinking how messed up I look.

"Well that fall must have hurt you badly" he started to help me up and started to wipe off the dirt in my face and hair. Me still left in shock from what just happen, I remain quiet and still wonder why this complete stranger is helping me.

After tidying me up he started to lead me outside the bathroom. As we walked towards the exit I was starting to lose my balance again and fell on the floor this time pulling this complete stranger with me in attempt to regain balance. He quickly got up and rapidly started to put the stuff that fell out of my sling bag back in.

He pulled me back up and placed my arm around his shoulders and with my other hand I pointed to where my friends were. He brought to my table and said "Your friend over here got into a little accident in the bathroom, you guys take care of him ok?" he then left the bar with his friends waiting in the table next to ours.

The rest of the night was a daze. I don't even know how I got home and settled in my bed that night.

To be continued soon! I still got loads of work to do before I can get back to typing the events that have occurred in my life .... BTW have a blessed All Saints Day you guys :)
The names of people and places in this post have not been clearly identified for privacy concerns.