Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Discovery

So this is the continuation of my last post The Spark so if you want to know how this all started I suggest you start back reading it wouldn't take you much time to do so.

After about a month of getting to know each other(Me and Cheng). We were like best friends or to me he was like a "brother from another mother". We were just so similar except for our chosen career paths(I was in the medical field and he on the other hand was in the field of computers).  We would randomly text each other during the day to check up on each other or chat late at night about video games and sometimes even our then female crushes. It was summer love to me...

So it was finally the day I get to see Cheng again and I was sort of excited and yet again at the same time scared. I just did not know what to expect or do. I came to this world with no manual on "how to start a good friendship in the physical world" so how should I know what to do outside the cyberworld where everything just came and fit naturally..

"So you still want to watch a movie later? My class ends at 4:30 so we can probably eat first then watch a movie" he texted

I was having doubts of pushing through. Knowing that its gonna be awkward since I was never good at warming up to people I just met, even if I talk to them like as if I knew them my whole life online. The cyberworld and the real physical world was just two different worlds.

So I nervously replied with "Yeah! I want Mang Inasal(To eat BBQ not the person.. FYI!) for dinner so let's meet at SM at 5:30pm-ish"

And so we met up at SM, There was just something about him that made me feel all fuzzy and weird around him. Again I could smell his unique sweet scent. I was starting to have special feelings for him.  We bought our tickets which came with a Transformers poster (Which I still have BTW) and had one of the most awkward dinner together.

So we had 2 hours till the movie started so we ate at Mang Inasal and had the most awkward sequence of awkward conversations that went like....

"Simon, you must be really gutom kay your so hilom(silent)."
"Yeah, gigutom jud ko kay nag sige rami exam kada adlaw maka stress bitaw. (Yeah, Im really hungry because of the several exams stressing me out the past few days.)."
Conversation then ends...

"Cheng! Di diay ka ganahan og halang?(Cheng! You dont like your food spicy?)"
"Uu(yes), I hate the spicy feeling I get in my mouth"
Conversation then ends again and this just went on and on and on

Till he asked "Di man ka pangitaon kung dugay ka mo uli diba?(You dont have a curfew right?)"
Wondering why he asked I said "Di man, pwede ra gani ta mag binuntagay og tagay(I dont, so we can even drink till the morning)"

"Sige sige, mag inom ta ig human sa movie ay ka balaka ako nasad bahala nimo(Alright then lets go drinking after the movie dont worry ill take care of you again)," he said excitingly, while deep inside again embarrassed with what happened a month and a few weeks ago at the bar..

As we watched the movie I couldn't help myself but look at him every few minutes and feel the high from unknowingly smelling his sweet scent (I know its weird but he just smells so good!). I started to observe the way he reacts to the scenes of the movie. I was starting to doubt myself as a man. I found it cute every time his cheeks would puff out when he smiles. I think I was starting to have a crush on him.

I did not know what to say about the movie or how to react to it because about 80% of the time inside the theater I was just thinking about him, observing every single detail about that I could observe about him while at the theater. At that time I was in self-denial I knew I couldn't have feelings for him. I was starting to think I was bisexual. I was disturbed by the fact that I confirmed to myself that I have a crush on him. But how could it be when we talk about girls late at night.

Right after the movie we rode a taxi to bring us to this sort-of-hidden convenience store near a popular go-kart track which is now populated by call center agents working nearby. He bought a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of Gin and a big bottle of C2. We played "21 Questions" where we ask each other questions. The rules were fairly simple for every question answered the asker drinks a shot & for every question passed the answerer drinks two shots.

Shot after shot I started to muster up enough courage to ask more personal leveled questions.
It went like "Cheng, Why are most of your close friends girls?"
Brief silence he took a shot then answered "I feel more comfortable with girls, what about you?.. Why are most of your friends girls?"
The tables have turned.. At that time I started to ask myself the same thing. Why are most of my friends girls? I answered "Well like you I tend to be more comfortable with them also. So did you ever have a guy crush?"
Wrong move! His smile slowly turned to a frown.. It signaled me that I just asked the un-ask-able..
He took a shot and just before he was about to take his second shot he put the glass down and answered "Im bisexual and I hope that you don't treat me differently because of this."
He then asked in a semi mellow tone "What made you ask me that?"

I sat there frozen for like a minute thinking if I should answer or not. I took two shots but answered anyway "I.... I think I like you... Like you as more than a friend..." "I have a crush on you ok.." What words just came out of my mouth..  I felt teary and I wanted to cry thinking that he would not want to be friends with me anymore.. I felt awful. DO I REALLY LIKE GUYS?!? I was in the denial stage.

He looked at me in shock filled his glass and mines. He put out his cigarette and stood up. At that moment I was thinking that he would walk out and never talk to me again. Instead he came closer to me and gave me a reassuring hug. I felt so much better and I felt free! Tears started to run in my face.

He then whispered "Being this way is not bad."
More tears started to fall. and this time he cried too and said "We are not bad people. I just know it."
 I hugged him back and said "Thanks but I know I did not choose to be BI" "Can this be our secret? I don't know how my friends and family would react to this... Cheng I am scared.." I hugged him tighter and let go..

He let go and gave me a kiss in the forehead.
Besides the fact that there were people around us. They seemed to not mind it  and that it seemed like they understand us. I looked at the people around the shop and those I made eye contact with did not give me any look of disgust. I felt somehow safe and at the same time scared that someone I know might catch us.

We drank more than just a bottle of gin that night.. 

TO BE CONTINUED...
_____________xx
Even while typing this part I still get teary remembering how I discovered I too is a unicorn. Back then in college I started to come out to myself as bisexual. Sadly though until now only a few of my friends know my true colors. I cannot fully come out of the closet because I know my co-workers will treat me differently and that I cannot risk getting disowned by my Family. What would my father think of me? How would my mother feel knowing that I cannot give her grand children? What is of me when I am disowned? Where do I go? I had a  former fellow gay chink friend who came out to his family and was sent to a psychiatrist to cure the gay away. Its just stupid we did not choose to be this way diba? I till now am scared.. Why does this have to come with consequences? What wrong did I do to deserve this?

Enough about that school is starting again soon and that means I would be busy again juggling my time between work, school and hobbies so Ill try to post as often as I can I promise! 

11 comments:

  1. aww ang touching lang nung nangyari sa inyo sa convenience store.

    and i smell something fishy. hihi wabi nga nila, pag may alak, may balak! haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was the day I labelled myself as BI and that was the start of a series of denying myself of what I am.. Atleast right now na accept ko na pero still in the closet parin.. Thanks for taking time to read my blog ;)

      Delete
    2. one step at a time simon. one step at a time, there's no need to rush sabi nga ni ate jordin sparks. hehe

      ang mahalaga tanggap mo na ang sarili mo and i guess that's the most important thing. yung walang self hate. :)

      Delete
  2. OH MY. Makakarelate ka kay Edgar! Though nag-out na siya sa season 2!

    Check his story sa http://blogserye2013.blogspot.com. :p

    #shamelessplugging

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will check out your blog ASAP :) Thanks for taking time to read and visiting my blog ;) appreciate it ;)

      Delete
  3. A unicorn? Wait, what? :P

    I think your story of being a bisexual and the dilemmas you have faced and are currently facing deserve a separate blog post. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I started coming out as bisexual at first which then lead to now as me accepting that I really am 100% gay with no hint of bisexuality left.

      Its a good idea and maybe ill make a different poat about it when time peirmits :) Thanks for taking time to read

      Delete
  4. this is what i also observed in Cebu. People are soooo fluent in english. Kahit sa sari sari store lang :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Over ka ha! Its not super fluent but functional so ok na yan. haha :) Thanks for visiting my blog

      Delete
  5. nice entry. got teary-eyed myself . nothing beats real stories written truthfully. ;)

    ReplyDelete