Friday, November 8, 2013

Being on the inside looking out

Being inside the closet is hard enough but being in a discrete relationship with someone is even harder. There are times where I feel so bad for sugar coating what I say to my parents, to cover up on whats really going on behind those white doors I call my room. Those times when my parents introduce Cheng to young bachelorettes at dinner parties as "Simon's best friend", makes me want to scream that he is actually the love of my life. The countless times when Cheng's family asks on when he plans to bring his future wife home, just makes me feel so bitter. Being on the inside looking out always ends up with hurting. When will they ever be able to look behind this facade of a perfect son to cover up on who I really am.

There are several instances in my life where I am on the verge of coming out of the closet but I always remember that the consequences always outweigh the benefits. I feel so pathetic for not being able to live my life like how I want, because of my fear on knowing how my parents and most especially my relatives would react to all this. I just do not want to dishonor my family for being this way. I never chose to be in this situation, it just chose me. Of all the people it had to be me..

When I was in high school, a cousin of mine came out to his parents. He was given a choice to either be banished and live with my grandmother or to go live with his partner and be without question disowned by his own family and the rest of the "clan". He chose the latter and since then no one has ever heard from him. I tried to get an explanation of why this happened and all my Aunt said to me was "Being gay is not acceptable in our culture and it makes our family look bad." from that point onwards I lived in fear because that could also happen to me. My own family and relatives would cut ties and burn bridges for the sake of maintaining honor to the family. This is not the life I want to have.

I just wonder on how long me and Cheng could put up with this. How long can we keep hiding from all this madness? Just when are we financially ready to come out so we can finally come out and live life the way we want? We both live in fear on how we could be disowned by our own families. Our love is strong enough to withstand the things that is keeping us apart but our love is shunned upon by our families. Should we just keep going till we grow apart and live with women who will bear our future children?

How long can we be on the inside looking out?


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I hope you guys learn more about us in this entry and that hopefully soon Cheng will finally soften up to the idea of me documenting our story for us to reminisce upon. Hopefully this will not be my last post till Saturday, because in a few hours a huge storm will come to wreak havoc in our area. I hope that we all remain safe and sound when the storm comes.

16 comments:

  1. awwww. romeo and julio love affair.

    ang sad lang nung nangyari sa cousin mo na sariling pamilya pa niya ang tumalikod sa kaniya. no wonder natatakot ka ngayon.

    uy ingat nga pala kay yolanda. be safe and dry!

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    1. Yea it happens a lot. Esp if we dont follow the best interests of our family.

      Well the storm was not that bad as compared to what the media has shown. Im glad we are all safe ;)

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  2. you know as time goes by mas mararamdaman mo ang difficulty ng relationship mo lalo pa at ganyan ang family mo.

    Maybe honor and morality is important but for a family to turn their back sa bagong generation ng family nyo is something not acceptable..

    What is pride and dignity if you dont show love and compassion with your family?

    Tama ka na hindi mo ginusto ang bagay na yan dahil wala naman ang may gusto na maging ganyan ka sana ay matuto sila na mas pahalagahan ang pamilya kaysa sa honor na hindi nila mayayakap kapag tanda nila, ang honor na hindi nila makakausap kapag gusto nilang alalahanin at ikwento ang karanasan nila at ang honor na hindi naman aakay sa kanila pag tanda nila...

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    1. May napulot ako sa comment na ito. Nice rix. :)

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    2. Family can be quite a challenge for our relationship, e.

      Pangarap ko pa man din to include partner in family events.

      Maganda itong vid na ito. Panuorin mo. I think this is the one with family pressure:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrIB5Ojbqns&feature=youtube_gdata_player

      Nagustuhan ko rin ung quote na nabasa ko sa comments section

      "Homosexuality exists in many species but homophobia exists in one. S, which is unnatural?"

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    3. Shemay, iba ka talaga Daddy Rix! Wala na akong maico-comment na better kesa dito sa sinabi mo. :3

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    4. teka manggugulo lang ulit ako... i'll try to watch the vids baka may mapulot din ako :))

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    5. @Rix
      True it does get harder but what can Cheng and I do when we both are not ready yet for the real world. But thanks to your comment may idea na ako sa upcoming blog post ko :)

      @FSOQ
      Ive seen the pink dot video before its just so beautiful noh to know that there are people out there who work hard for our full acceptance in society.

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  3. Ang masasabi ko lang siguro, take it slow kiddo.

    If maglalantad ka, wag sabay-sabay. Isa-isahin mo lang ang family mo. Maybe begin dun sa pinaka-close mong cousin o kapatid. Then, dun sa favorite mong tito o tita. Then if comfortable ka na, try mo dun sa isa sa mga parent mo na mas kapalagayan mo ng loob. For sure bawat isa sa kanila, meron maibibigay na magandang payo sa kung ano ang gagawin mo. Ganon ang ginawa ko eh. ;)

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    1. Thats gonna be pretty hard. You know how family is.. They all talk, sometimes you just dont know who to trust anymore.. Maybe for now ill stay inside the closet and ready myself for reality when the right time comes..

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    2. Well, magkaiba naman ang families natin, so I guess case-to-case basis din yan. May mga cousins kasi ako na alam kong mapagkakatiwalaan ko eh.

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  4. Oh, when I was about to tell my folks about my sexuality I was more than ready to accept if they will disown me, something I have thought of carefully. I was actually ready to move out of the house in any case they want me to, I'd be more than happy to live with my partner, mas matututo akong mag-ipon and mabuhay ng independent from the family money.

    I came from a Chinese family as well but I'm really a different person, I'm not traditional but I don't rebel against them it's just that this is my life, I learn from my mistakes, I own up to the decisions I make.

    I wish you all the best, take things slowly, don't rush.

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    1. I surely will not rush into things thats like swimming in the water with sharks.. I envy how your family has fully accepted you. I read how you came out to your mother in your blog and it gave me a slight gist of hope but right now while I still am in school I shouldnt risk it just yet.

      Thanks for visiting my blog :)

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    2. stay happy
      when the right time comes, it will be all worth it :)

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  5. alam ko ng feeling na yan.. its hard to be that situation but i think unfair yan sa part ng parents mo dahil mag expect sila palagi na bigyan mo sila ng grandkids :(

    pero as long as your happy :) bookmark ko yung blog mo! ganda toh

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    1. Thanks for visiting :) I know its sort of unfair but what can I do?

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