There are several instances in my life where I am on the verge of coming out of the closet but I always remember that the consequences always outweigh the benefits. I feel so pathetic for not being able to live my life like how I want, because of my fear on knowing how my parents and most especially my relatives would react to all this. I just do not want to dishonor my family for being this way. I never chose to be in this situation, it just chose me. Of all the people it had to be me..
When I was in high school, a cousin of mine came out to his parents. He was given a choice to either be banished and live with my grandmother or to go live with his partner and be without question disowned by his own family and the rest of the "clan". He chose the latter and since then no one has ever heard from him. I tried to get an explanation of why this happened and all my Aunt said to me was "Being gay is not acceptable in our culture and it makes our family look bad." from that point onwards I lived in fear because that could also happen to me. My own family and relatives would cut ties and burn bridges for the sake of maintaining honor to the family. This is not the life I want to have.
I just wonder on how long me and Cheng could put up with this. How long can we keep hiding from all this madness? Just when are we financially ready to come out so we can finally come out and live life the way we want? We both live in fear on how we could be disowned by our own families. Our love is strong enough to withstand the things that is keeping us apart but our love is shunned upon by our families. Should we just keep going till we grow apart and live with women who will bear our future children?
How long can we be on the inside looking out?
I hope you guys learn more about us in this entry and that hopefully soon Cheng will finally soften up to the idea of me documenting our story for us to reminisce upon. Hopefully this will not be my last post till Saturday, because in a few hours a huge storm will come to wreak havoc in our area. I hope that we all remain safe and sound when the storm comes.